Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
😂😂😂
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?