@mydanimarie: Sometimes I order Domino's but give them Pizza Hut's address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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@mikeleffingwell: It's weird how after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together the King's men were like "Let's give the horses a shot at it"
@sgrstk: If someone is throwing shade, they're doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
@WeissBrandon: Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
@VerbsRProudest: mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language.