Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.