Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.