Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.