Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?