Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
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How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.