“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
You Might Also Like
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*