Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“We will wed,” I threatened
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.