Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it