Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
How to wake up a Beagle
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Everyone’s family
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack