Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
see you in hell you stupid fruit
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.