Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.