@TheSharona06: Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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@Duke1173: You're telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee... They don't put any booze in it or nothin?
@SortaBad: [Trump speaking at rally] I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
@tripeface: My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
@Gre_Gone: [Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo