Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.