@TheSharona06: Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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@kwirkyKerri: I've never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there's that.
@OrangeFact: My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy's and a cabbage account
@tryped: Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby
@mrjohndarby: [1st date] Her: So, tell me about yourself Me: Well, I've got a black belt- Her: Oh! Me: ...and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks...