Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.