I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
british sex workers really pound for pound
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR