Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait