@jonmsutton: Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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@delusions_of: My arm bone's connected to my hand bone. My hand bone's connected to a bacon cheeseburger.
@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe you should start working out again me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
@HousewifeOfHell: I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.
@jbillinson: "Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe's pocket knife away and we'll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can't make him say sorry"