@jonmsutton: Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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@Shot_Of_Cabo: Had to be a woman that coined the phrase "severance package." No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.
@jake_likes_naps: [in hospital] son: what happened dad me: bar fight son: over what? me: he said... *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
@vapidaccount: It's really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs. The more you know.