Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.