@MarionDowling: Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.
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@OutOnTheMoors: "Comedians" don't RT because? A. Their tweets are pure gold. B. This is just a joke-tryout site. C. They know we're all funnier than them.
@causticbob: I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
@Brianhopecomedy: *takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*