Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.