@Schmoodles: Sometimes I see a baby and think "Aww, I want one!" Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think "Yeah, maybe I'm not ready."
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@BlACk__ThRoaT: When I'm home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
@FattMernandez: I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
@dxblarssonENG: Job interview: " if you want the job lick the floor" -what? -lick the floor if you want the job *licks floor* Eww gross, can't hire that guy