I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.