Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
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90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work