@meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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@SteveKoehler22: Oddly enough, ever since downloading AdBlock onto my computer ..... all the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
@weinerdog4life: Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
@panmidwest: THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless
@jake_lach: Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who's your dealer?