Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
happy friday
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?