Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
new shirt idea
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.