@mattwhitlockPM: Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
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@awkwardphilippe: ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he'll devour the entire carcass HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
@RamblingMachine: My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.
@PlatinumShower: Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.