My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
water it, i dare you
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
this is the news I live for