@mattwhitlockPM: Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
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@EndhooS: *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
@thezachmaginnis: My sister told me to "take the spider out" instead of "kill" it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@weinerdog4life: Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?