Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
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Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
💁🏻♂️
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
men are simple creatures