[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something