AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The news in a nutshell.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.