@rpbateman: Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I've been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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@duumb: Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I'm going to do a cavity search. Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
@jennyandteets: Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.
@jlock17: If you're about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say "WHO'S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET A BATH!" and he'll run away and hide.
@Rollinintheseat: The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.