Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I can fix him.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!