Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
BETRAYAL
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread