Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
And that about sums it up.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
oh shit
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth