@thetigersez: Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I'm good-looking, so I'm, like, nah.
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@FunnyCauseImFat: My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
@simoncholland: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
@sarcasm_inc: *leans into microphone* My question is for Salt-N-Pepa. "Hi" "Hey" Hi."Push It" is about takin a dump, right? "No" "Nope" *hands friend $5*