Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you