@dumbbeezie: Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not
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@werehedgehog: Bae: Come over. Romeo: Can't. You're a Capulet, I'm a Montague. Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over. Romeo: Also, you're 13.
@daemonic3: DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!
@Matty_Softmitts: So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."
@BonaFideIntent: Drunk Draft Folder Contents: "Trees. LOL." "I was born once. Pickles." "Spice Girls" "Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."