Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
cry laughing at this shit
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it