@Scdavis24: Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
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@ElgatoEsmio: Mom said angels are watching over me I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
@LackOfShame: Her: Something's changed in here. Me: I put a new bulb in. Her: Well it's not very bright Bulb: Okay wow I'm like right here.
@simoncholland: Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
@ItsAndyRyan: PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"