[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.