Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
You Might Also Like
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.