What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.