Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
What my back needs
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Always the camel, never the toe.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I hate my earbuds.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.