Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.