i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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For those that worship cheese..
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
They also CAN sing✌️
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly