Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
You Might Also Like
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Beware…..
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
me 2 months after i graduated
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?