Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
You Might Also Like
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.