Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.