Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day