Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.