Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
He-man has a Masters degree
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five