Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
#SCOTUS one-star review
me after drinking all the wine:
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses