sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
True.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”