@RandiLawson: Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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@TyWebb1980: I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
@DadandBuried: My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
@stephenjmolloy: Barber: "How would you like your hair cut, sir?" Me: "With scissors." Barber: "Very good, sir." *puts samurai sword down*
@WGladstone: My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.