Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Jogging
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug