Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Good advice.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*