@Carbosly: Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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@theshamingofjay: Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
@rickkondell: It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
@dafloydsta: [phone call] KIDNAPPER: We're gonna kill your wife if you don't pay ME: *making wind noises* I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim