@Carbosly: Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Wake up 5-year-old: Me: We’re late 5: Me: The house is on fire 5: Me: Your sister touched your stuff 5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
@SortaBad: I have a friend who doesn't drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
@QwertyJones3: Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That's so annoying, right? Me: Word
@kibblesmith: "How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?" "Well ..." [I stoke the fire] "It was Hashtag International Cat Day..."