Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
hi why am I like this
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.