me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME