Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Love this one 😂🧟
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.